by Sandra Paolini | Jan 5, 2022 | Uncategorized
Transforming Anxiety
Anxiety and other psychological disorders are usually characterized by their familiar signs and symptoms. In the case of anxiety, its stress gone wild… symptoms include excessive worry, muscle tension, restlessness, changes in sleeping and appetite, difficulty concentrating, focusing and remembering, and the like.
The mainstream approach is to control, manage or eliminate symptoms in order to stop the thoughts and consequently change negative feelings and behaviors. However, this approach neither gets to the underlying patterns of suffering, nor builds the ability to tolerate the experience of anxiety itself.
Perhaps the problem lies in the way anxiety is defined. If we see it as a disease or dysfunction, we will try to eliminate, control or manage its manifestations. But if we see it as a valuable ally in our quest for a life well lived, we might be able to mine its depths and discover pathways to real transformation.
Anxiety: Viewed As An Ally
How could anxiety possibly be our ally? First of all, if it hadn’t shown up in our lives, we probably wouldn’t be motivated to venture into this wide-open space of self-discovery. Ancient mystics and sages have always known that suffering is the true path of transformation, because without it, we’d never be motivated to do this work.
People whose lives are easy probably don’t find this kind of thing interesting; but people who suffer are very motivated to search for relief and new strategies for change. So, in an interesting way, you’ve been chosen, so to speak, by life’s circumstances to venture into new territory and get to know yourself on a level you’ve never imagined possible. In this way, anxiety can be thought of as a worthy ally and a guide into the depths of your soul.
Working With Anxiety: Start Where You Are
But practically speaking, where do you actually start on this depth-filled adventure? The good news is you simply start where you are… in the middle of all you believe that’s wrong and bad. By cultivating a scientist’s objectivity and your own natural curiosity, you can begin to slow down and tease apart the components of anxiety, especially your self-talk about anxiety.
You’ll soon discover anxiety has some basic building blocks: thoughts, physical sensations, images, emotions, underlying beliefs, memories, fears and the like. As you stay present with your experience, you’ll further discover HOW these building blocks blend and reinforce each other, fueling the fire of anxiety and keeping it strong. As you delve even deeper, you’ll notice how thought patterns get stuck in a recurrent tape loop of fear and doom, which until now, had been a largely unconscious process.
The Act of Noticing Starts the Change Process
In a paradoxical way, you’ll also discover that the very act of looking begins to propel the change process. In fact, looking, by itself, changes things because now it’s no longer an unconscious process driving your behavior without your permission. You are response-able.
With very little practice, you’ll be able to separate the physical experience of anxiety from your commentary about the experience. This commentary is, in fact, simply the recurrent thoughts that run, nonstop, along side of real life. The fact that thoughts are there is not the problem; but, as you may have noticed, with anxiety, they almost always include a powerful dose of judgment, criticism and comparison.
The Act of Separating Experience From the Thoughts About Experience
Separating the experience from the thoughts about the experience is the first step to penetrating the seeming solidity of anxiety. This process will bring you into direct contact with the observing mind, which is fundamentally different from the normal blah, blah, blah, yak, yak, yak mind.
Through yet another paradoxical twist, you’ll find that touching the observing mind, brings a sense of freedom, which in turn, reinforces your commitment to stay present with your experience, without distracting, avoiding or acting in the habitual ways. The less you avoid being with your own experience, the more easily the experience will pass right through you, because in essence, this is what thoughts and experiences do… they pass, they are transient. It is we who solidify them and keep them active, growing and in place. This is not a bad thing; it’s just human nature.
The Good News
The good news is, as you work with this, you’ll discover the same processes and strategies contained within anxiety (thought, feeling, image making, memories and self talk) can be cultivated and directed toward life enhancement and creative potential. In fact, once you recognize that you are an active participant in creating your world, the easier it becomes to access and cultivate your true vision. As you may have guessed, the basic building blocks of anxiety and creativity are the same; it is up to you how to use them.
by Sandra Paolini | Jul 24, 2017 | Uncategorized
The world is changing.
There’s been a lot of scary talk lately about the exponential rate of change in our world, along with suggestions about how to thrive amid all the uncertainty. It’s become obvious that old methods won’t prepare you for an unpredictable future; so, if you want succeed, you had better get about the business of focusing where it counts: on change models that work.
I’ve been intensely interested in the change process for decades, so I’m always on the lookout for models that offer practical, highly effective, immediately usable… and of course, ultimately transformational strategies.
For the last year or so, I’ve been actively exploring Kegan and Lahey’s “Immunity to Change” model and have been increasingly struck by both the simplicity and the depth of this approach. Not only does it expose where you’re stuck, but it also offers ways to transcend limitations, expand your worldview and become adaptable enough to meet any challenge coming down the pike.
How do you keep up?
My intention in this article is to offer an introduction to this method and guide you through the initial step of their process… just to give a sense of how this works and why it’s different. If you like what you see, hit me up for more.
Let’s start at the beginning. The name itself: “Immunity to Change” comes from the idea that your emotions have an immune system analogous to the one in your body. And just as your biological immune system can overreact under certain conditions – like with autoimmune diseases or organ transplant rejection, your emotional immune system is subject to a similar kind of reactivity.
In general, your emotional system is composed of things like thoughts, feelings, sensations, images and memories along with your hidden beliefs, assumptions, agendas, expectations and unconscious patterns.
How do you get stuck?
You can tell when your emotional immune response is activated because you wimp out and don’t follow through with making the changes you wanted to make. For example, have you ever promised yourself you’d go to the gym, and then find you’re caught in a mental tug of war of pros and cons… only to finally concede that you’re just too tired, hungry or busy to go? It’s like that.
Kegan and Lahey refer to this action as akin to having one foot on the brake, while the other foot is “pedal to the metal” trying to accelerate. Basically you’re stuck in a holding pattern, using a whole lot of energy reviving those engines, but going nowhere.
So why does this happen? Well, because you actually have “competing commitments”: one the one hand you have a conscious commitment to take action; but on the other hand, you hold tight to an unconscious commitment to protect yourself from something emotionally distressing.
OK, so how does this play out in real life? Although it’s different for everyone, I’ll suggest one possible scenario using the gym example above. Imagine yourself stuck in that back and forth decision-making process. You really want to go the gym, but for some reason, you begin feeling tired, hungry, distracted or overwhelmed with your to-do list. Watch as your rational mind lends support until the thoughts and feelings loom so large, they simply win out and you stay home.
On a deeper level, talking yourself out of following through is a strategy designed to manage the anxiety that arises from pressures that may have overwhelmed your developing nervous system when you were much younger. Maybe you suffered from perfectionistic pressures from parents, or maybe love and affection were withdrawn as a way to get you tow the line or maybe you found yourself locked in a losing battle with authority figures.
Now when you pressure yourself, those older, less mature strategies kick in and you find you’re talking yourself out of doing what you wanted to do. Your immune system has successfully prevented you from having to feel or remember all that older distressing stuff. Of course, unless you’re willing to go under the radar to see what’s driving your indecision, you won’t follow through on important goals.
This anxiety management system shows up is differently for everyone; but, finding out how it shows up for you is the key to transformational change. Otherwise, instead of running your mind, your mind is running you. And that would suck.
How do you get unstuck?
So, how do you get that proverbial foot off the brake? Well, Kegan and Lahey have some pretty good ideas. After 25 years of researching the question of why people don’t change, they’ve developed a method that gets to the heart of the change process. Their model clarifies why you’re stuck as well as how you can activate higher order processes to change the WAY you think, feel, communicate, make decisions and solve problems. So yeah, this is pretty big stuff.
In essence, their theory is focused on transforming your meaning making system. In fact, as you move through the natural stages of development – from infanthood on, your meaning making system expands in its ability to handle more complexity in simpler ways. This expansive quality helps you engage with others, the world and your future in ways that are far more flexible, agile, adaptable… and direct
It’s kind of like this: Imagine hikers at different levels on the climb up a mountain. Each sees the vista from his level, but is unable to see what’s available further up the climb. The guy at the summit has the most expansive view. He is able to look down and see his ascending route as well as the best way to complete the hike back to home base. He sees where he could have sidestepped problems, as well as what others will face as they climb. He can also see problem areas on the return trip and can adjust his plans to accommodate what he knows is coming. He is making new meaning at a level unavailable to him before he hit the summit. Of course adult develop is more complicated than that, but you get the picture.
In essence, Kegan and Lahey have organized a massive body of research into a deceptively simple format designed to get you to the summit, by guiding you through a 4-step process. These steps are structured to track goals, overcome perceived obstacles and take the kind of action that aligns with your core values… but in a way that focuses on changing your mindset – not your skillset, If worked through carefully, this model has the potential to reveal the kind of insights that may have taken years to surface in therapy.
Where do you start?
So in this article, I’m going to outline the first step of the Kegan-Lahey model to give you a feel for how the process works. But don’t be fooled by the simplicity of the language, especially in this first step. This step, which is the linchpin that holds the whole shebang together, asks a seemingly simple question: What is the one big thing you could get better at that would significantly improve your life and help you be a better version of yourself.
I say seemingly simple because at first glance it appears easy enough to come up with all kinds of ideas and goals. But K and L insist that you give this question your full consideration because it impacts everything that follows. They offer instructive guidelines to help you formulate your answer in a way that leads to a truly transformative outcome… which is what this is all about, right?
So here are their guidelines for a coming up with a good entry.
- It should be about personal growth
- It should be something you’ve tried before, but haven’t achieved the progress you wanted.
- It should be important and interesting to you.
- It should be stated in the positive
- It should be something you want to get better at
- It should be about you and what is within your locus of control
- It should be an improvement goal, not an outcome goal. (I’ll explain this one)
The next part of this first step asks you to consider why this change is important to you; then you’re instructed to wrap it up in a single sentence using this format: “I am committed to get better at (insert your change goal) because (insert your reason)”.
Again this seems simple enough, but you’d be surprised by the amount of time and effort it takes to come up with your one big thing and your why. That’s because we normally don’t think in these broader visionary strokes about our lives. Instead, we usually get sidetracked trying to fix what we think is broken. We try things like adding more skills, doing the opposite of what’s not working or changing the external conditions of our lives. And according to Einstein, trying to fix the problem on the same level it was created, never works.
The difference between outcome goals and transformational goals.
Kegan and Lahey suggest you’re stuck because you get caught up in “outcome goals” rather than tapping into the larger transformative goal of which outcome goals are – well, just outcomes. So for example, weight loss would be an outcome of the larger more transformative goal of making healthier choices in order to increase productivity, longevity and stamina. Quite a difference, right?
If you focus on, say just losing 25 lbs., you’ll get caught up in changing things you think you’re doing wrong. You’ll try to eat less, exercise more, shop when full, and all the other prescriptive actions you think will be effective. However, chances are you’ve already tried all this and it’s hasn’t worked… at least in the long term. Something, as yet undefined, is preventing your success.
Kegan and Lahey suggest weight loss goals don’t work because you’re also committed to an emotional objective that’s just as powerful. So just as in the gym example above, your anxiety management system kicks in and prevents you from seeing what’s under the radar. In this case, it could be you’re committed to never feeling deprived, or never having to follow someone else’s rules, or never having to limit choices. Again it’s different for everyone, but unless you know how you get in your own way, you’ll just keep spinning your wheels.
Let’s face it, working with the outcome goal allows you to bypass all the messy stuff underneath – which is exactly what protective strategies are designed to do. So even if it gets you nowhere, it gives you the illusion that you’re taking action to address your issue. Unfortunately, it’s the wrong issue.
However, if you tap into a more expansive mindset and are able to define your “one big thing” as making healthier choices in order to increase productivity, longevity and stamina, you’re playing with a much fuller deck. In fact, just clarifying what each of these words means begins to open the space for a bigger vision.
My experience, with clients and with my personal “Immunity to Change” practices, has validated the significance of K and L’s advice for pinning down your one big thing. In fact, working through each of their steps, requires more thought and precision than we’re normally use to when approaching change. But I can tell you with a lot of confidence, using this model has fundamentally shifted the way I coach. In a way, just working through the steps starts a process for seeing the world differently, which then sets the direction for the kind of lasting change I haven’t seen with other models. Anywhere.
It is beyond the scope of this introductory post to include instructions for the rest of the steps, especially since they are really better addressed over time and in a co-creative process. But you can take a look at https://www.extension.harvard.edu/inside-extension/surprising-reason-we-dont-keep-our-resolutions-how-overcome-it to get a better idea of what’s included.
Try it out.
But just for fun, I invite you to play around with defining your one big thing just to see where it takes you. Please feel free to share your thoughts, comments and impressions in the comment box. I’d love to hear about how this is for you. And while you’re at it; sign up on the homepage and get the FREEE UPLEVELING practices delivered daily to your inbox for 108 days.
P. S. My sense is this system is great for people who love working through organized, methodical systematized, step-by-step instructions that are designed to reveal insights along way. I’m curious about how this will work with different personality styles and I’m testing it out with clients and volunteers, using the Enneagram to form separate trial groups. Results to come.
